many years back i used to paint rather well, my stength was in putting my feelings into the paintings, ppl could feel sad or angry or scared, but i stopped and have not been able to start again, even got everything necessary to paint, it's just sitting there in my room... so, the reason is that i realised the impact these paintings were having was negative. while i was relieved from pain and anger and jealousy and frustration, someone else was getting the feelings. i thought: this is already a dark world, why would i try to create more darkness???
i have two sides to me, one is smart and evil but the other is naive and kind... most ppl get fascinated by my first persona, but once they see my heart, they feel no shame in running me over. part of me wants to destroy his life for the pain he has caused me and i know i am capable of making him quite miserable, but each time, as the story gets worse, i have walked away.
so, it's not about who i am but who i want to be, someone who leaves behind happiness, someone like my uncle was, a guy who was unable to hurt, a guy who never said anything bad about anyone... ofcause ppl like that are most punished, my uncle asked some teens in his backyard to keep quiet and they threw stones at him, my father told me finally after 3 years of hiding it from me that his brother died in his arms from a headwound and there was nothing he could do but watch. my grandma was a famous doctor, saved many lives, died horribly and i watched her die, she finally couldn't take the pain and overdozed. watched my ex get in a car accident and get glass in his eyes, all seemed fine but by the morning he was gone from slow internal bleeding. why?
sometimes i forget that ppl read these logs, i pretty much write from myself to myself, and in real life i have to keep image and watch the caps and punctuation and grammar and content, but when it comes to this blog_ i am really just trying to be myself with no makup or refinement... even tho i know sincerity is not an attractive quality, lies are much more exciting and feelings actually can be created kama chem lab. so, when i say 'summer is late' i don't just mean the season, i'm cold inside and i used to wait for someone but i no longer expect someone to understand my language... i'm grown up now and i accept that i will always be alone.
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